Transformers: Dark of the Moon

“It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.” (Macbeth, V.v.26-27)

In a 2010 interview Michael Bay claimed his directorial debut occurred at an early age - when he attached firecrackers to a toy train and filmed the resulting calamity with his mother's Super 8 camera. One can’t help but wonder if the film survived the ensuing blaze; it was most likely his most coherent film.

At age 46, Bay has yet to shed his prepubescent visions of bedlam. Boasting a budget of $195 million, it’s no surprise his third (and, with any luck, final) Transformers flick features imposing action and visual effects, but - yet again - viewers are treated to an empty plot adorned with grandiose slugfests à la Robot Jox on anabolic motor oil.

Set four years after the events of Revenge of the Fallen, Dark of the Moon kicks off with the Autobots acting as glorified drones for the U.S. government. Meanwhile, college grad Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) struggles to find a work in the nation’s capital and keep a copacetic relationship with his girlfriend, Carly (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley). The pair soon find themselves involved in a Decepticon scheme to open a portal to Cybertron.

The usual lame jokes and convoluted storylines continue in this, the series' third chapter. LaBeouf and his new on-screen flame Huntington-Whiteley flap and fizzle their way through a film riddled with more pitfalls and plot holes then the city of Chicago (post-Driller). By the time the invasion starts, one is almost as lost and emotionally void as our Victoria Secret model turned dazed and confused actress. (Reserve the vacant expressions for your underwear shoots, Rosie.)

The culmination of the film, the siege of the Windy City, is Bay’s magnum opus: the biggest, loudest, most grandiose, and largely tiresome hour to which viewers have been subjected to - thus far - this summer. By the time the dust and carbon monoxide settle, it’s difficult to care about - much less recall - anything that’s happened.

This year’s Dark of the Moon works better than 2009’s Revenge of the Fallen, but still fails to surmount 80’s cartoons and epic battles between Autobots and Decepticons played out in a sandbox.

One good thing about this film? You don’t have to worry about missing anything when nature calls.